The kids were out of the hospital but Misato's work schedule still didn't allow her much time with them. The thought depressed her. She was starting to get a sense why Ritsuko never took a break—because the chance for one never came! By the time she came home, the kids were typically asleep so she wouldn't see them until some time in the morning. Shinji still made breakfast for him and Asuka, as they tended to rise at the same time, but Misato was still sleeping by then. He'd leave her a portion in the fridge but it wasn't the food she missed. It was the time spent with them.

The only other time she saw them was at NERV but there she was Major Katsuragi and not their beloved guardian Misato.

This was also seriously cutting into her time to peruse that flash drive Kaji left her. She had only the chance to skim the contents but at the very least, he had done what she asked. It looked like everything he knew she would know—once she had a chance to really sit down and look at it!

She turned a corner, intent on going home, but instead found a pair of security guards approaching her. They commanded, "Major Katsuragi? We will need you to come with us."

"What...what for?"

"We are not at liberty to discuss that right here. Your service automatic from your shoulder holster, if you will. We're rather sorry about this, especially at this late hour."

With a sigh, she relinquished her gun, "It's your job, after all. Let's get this over with."

With that, the pair took her by the shoulders and muscled her back deeper into headquarters. She just knew in her heart that whatever this was about, Kaji was involved.

---

"So I take it our pet spy has gone AWOL?" Fuyutski murmured.

The pair had met in Gendo's office after Agent Kaji had neglected to come into headquarters or answer his calls. At first, the Commander had feared he had run to SEELE but just an hour ago, the committee had called a meeting to, baffling as it was, make sure information regarding the Human Instrumentality Project was secure.

That all but confirmed he hadn't run to SEELE and in fact was ignoring them too. That left the possibility of him having run to the government...or having disappeared altogether. Currently, he was having Ritsuko run a scan on their private servers. He suspected there would be no wrongdoing found but at the very least, it would smooth the committee's ruffled feathers.

"It appears that's the case," he droned.

"Now why would he do something like that? Do you believe he's run to tell the government?"

"I have my doubts," Gendo admitted, "It would have to come out where exactly he got the information and the risk of his other...jobs being found out. I believe it's likely he's run away."

"Run away?" Fuyutski's tone was incredulous, "I was under the impression Agent Kaji had more...pride in his work than that."

"He's a spy, Fuyutski. You can't truly know them. We'll just have to hope that's all he's done."

---

"Like I said, I don't know where he's gone," Misato protested from her seat in the dark room she had been brought into.

The two security agents had been sent to collect her to press her for information regarding Kaji. He hadn't shown up and appeared to have gone completely AWOL. When he told her he was leaving town, she hadn't realized what exactly that entailed. Whatever he was up to, he had been right to say it wasn't related to the jobs he was working before.

One of the officers told her, "Just tell us about your last encounter one more time, Major."

She sighed and repeated, "We met in the hallway a few days ago, probably around the third quadrant. We ended up going out to dinner and to a bar. Then we came back to my apartment…," she paused, her face burning with the admission, "...and we slept together. When I woke back up, he was gone. I thought he was just on another work job, like he always is."

The pair exchanged a glance then the first officer told her, "Stay here. We'll be back with our decision."

To her dismay, both left her, closing the door behind them and plunging the room into darkness.

She hated the darkness. It reminded her of the last night as the world ended around her, as she bobbed in that capsule. Not knowing if she was going to live or die...simply knowing her father had given his life to give her a fighting chance. Even now, all these years later, she couldn't fall asleep without a window open to let the light from outside in.

She couldn't help it; she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to conjure up the memory of how warm Kaji's body had been against hers. She could weather the darkness, if he was there.

But all he had left her was an uncertainty...and the truth.

When she returned home, she owed it to him to start looking into that immediately. In case he didn't return, she would have to pick up the mantle.

The door opened and the pair of guards reappeared. One beckoned her out with a box, no doubt holding her service weapon, "You're released, Major Katsuragi. We apologize for any inconvenience."

She forced herself not to scowl as she emerged from the dark, retrieving her pistol from them. She smiled tightly, "It's as I said before. It's your job."

She added, "So Kaji's gone?"

"You're dismissed, Major."

She nodded in understanding and, at a brisk walk, hurried to leave.

By the time she got out of base and got home, it was already past midnight. If those guards hadn't stopped her and all but detained her, she might have been home when the kids were still awake! Now all she had to look forward was a quiet, dark apartment as she perused Kaji's file.

She sighed as she exited the elevator but frowned. Sitting right outside her apartment was Rei, her knees drawn to her chest. She rushed over and called, "Rei! What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

The girl looked up at her and murmured, "I have been having...nightmares."

For a moment, Misato reeled at the absurdity of the whole situation. Why her? Then again, she couldn't see Ritsuko, or god forbid the Commander, offer this girl any comfort. And even if they could, they were far from here. Leaving only her.

"And you're sitting out here because?" she continued.

"I had hoped Shinji and Asuka would still be awake or wake up but...no one answered the door. Not even Nagisa…."

Misato reflectively corrected, "...Kaworu."

"...right," Rei murmured, sounding unsure of herself, "So I thought I might wait for you."

Misato unlocked the door and sighed, "Please tell me you haven't been waiting out here too long…"

"Not too long."

"Good. If something happened to you, I'm sure Commander Ikari would have my head!"

Rei frowned. Yes, if something terrible happened to her, the Commander would surely go on the war path. It wasn't something she had ever seen before nor did she ever wish to.

Misato let them in, turning on the entryway light as she did. The rest of the house was dark and quiet, indicating Shinji and Asuka were fast asleep. She was surprised Rei's knocking hadn't woken either of them up. She knew Shinji at least was a light sleeper...but then again, maybe stress had finally caught up to his sleepless nights. She lead Rei into the kitchen and asked, "Want some tea? According to Shinji, I make it well enough. I doubt it's as good as his but…"

"Tea would be lovely," Rei gently cut her off.

She watched her intently as she brewed a couple mugs of steaming hot tea. She would have been uncomfortable if there wasn't specifically an air of desperation to her gaze. Almost like she expected Misato to walk away, judging by how her head moved to follow her. She relaxed when Misato gave her her own mug and sat down with hers. Rei murmured a thanks before she sipped at her drink.

Misato asked, "So do you want to talk about these nightmares?"

Rei shook her head stiffly, "I don't think so. They're...frightening and bizarre."

"It's alright," Misato soothed, "You're not obligated to tell me anything. Did they start recently?"

She nodded in understanding and continued, "After the last Angel attack."

That made sense. Many of the events from that battle had dominated Misato's mind lately. One was the brilliant and terrible supernova of Zero and Zeruel being consumed by the N2 Mine. Misato wasn't sure how—and she didn't know if anyone did—but Rei had somehow used her AT Field to constrain the explosion in the direct area around her, thus making it many times more effective than it would have been otherwise.

"Traumatic events can do that," Misato confirmed, "I still have nightmares of the Second Impact. These things are so terrible they follow you into your dreams."

Rei shuddered at the mention of the Second Impact. She murmured softly, "May I sleep here then? I can sleep on the couch."

Misato smiled, "You can stay but let me set up a futon for you on the floor. C'mon, Rei. It's gonna be alright."

True to her word, Misato set her up a futon on the floor and even brought the radio from her room. She must have sat there for five minutes, tuning it into a jazz station before she bid Rei good night, leaving her with the crooning voice of Frank Sinatra. There, Rei stared at the ceiling and remembered her dream.

This one was a terrible blend of agony and death. She lay limp in the hands of that terrible woman. She was thrown from her seat, wildly into the metal walls of Zero's entry plug.

Then—

She was reeling an Angel in, ignoring the burning into her veins. She was watching with horror as an Angel leaned over her, maw open wide as it bit her Eva in half. She was standing under the ruins of a building before her body simply unraveled. She was falling apart, arms sloughing off then her head falling to the world below.

She was witness to many dozens of deaths and there was always a new Rei to die once more.

She had woken unsettled and soon decided to seek comfort. Miss Misato's words helped to calm her but it left her with questions.

Why were terrible things she never experienced following her into her dreams?

As she lay on the floor of the living room, a thought occurred to her, one that didn't even make full sense. Was she seeing these terrible things because she was...more than herself? The image of a Russian nesting doll appeared in her mind's eye.

It unsettled her.

---

Around the same time, Kaworu had startled awake from a nightmare of his own. He lay there for some time, rolling the dream over and over in his head with his hands firmly on his neck, as if to confirm his head was still attached.

It was like a movie reel of a dozen terrible deaths and a dozen after that. It was like his mind or perhaps the universe was taunting him, showing what he was grimly marching towards. Fate, in some ways he believed, was inflexible. It was the foregone conclusion. He just had to stick around as long as he could.

He swung his legs around the edge of the bed, getting up. After throwing on a loose t-shirt over his pajama pants, he padded outside and walked into the night, heading nowhere in particular.

Arael, Armisael then finally...Tabris. Assuming they didn't deviate from the pattern, those were the next three Angels to come. All sought connection and understanding, perhaps believing if they understood the other they may find a way past them. After all, it's not like most of the Angels set out to hurt humanity specifically. One may argue the humans were the aggressors, keeping their Mother away from them. At least one could argue that, if their reunion didn't mean the end of all things for humanity.

He closed his eyes and sighed. The Lilin and the Angels were not quite opposites, so close to the other but hopelessly repelled like the like poles of a magnet. He sat squarely in the middle of the spectrum but around his friends, it was easy to forget he wasn't like them.

He desired to be like them.

The visage of the Goichi from his dream appeared in his mind's eye, eyes burning bright and furious.

"You're some monster, you know that?"

As false as the vision was, it was correct. He half-suspected Shinji to already know what he was but the fact he didn't bring it up made him anxious. Did he hope that in this time he had been gifted the gift of humanity? Or was he too frightened to confront the truth?

And of course, Asuka...he was leaving her in the dark. His final secret, kept close to his chest...he couldn't bear to let her know. Her perception of him would change forever...to her, he'd become little more than a monster wearing human skin.

He craved to be anything but what he was, so deeply he still hadn't figured out what he would do when his time came.

Unfortunately, whether he let that secret out into the light on his own or not, it would come anyway.

---

Asuka and Shinji were quite surprised and happy to see Rei was there in the morning. Shinji insisted on making a special breakfast then fell over his feet in a last minute impulsive decision to invite Kaworu.

Kaworu answered the door, hair sticking up each and every way and disheveled in general. Shinji had woken him from what little sleep he got but he wasn't going to let that stop him from spending some time with his beloved.

As they entered the apartment again, Kaworu asked, "What's the plan?"

Shinji lowered his voice into a whisper, "I was thinking, since everyone's been so down, I can try the waffle maker I bought a month or so ago. I got it because I thought Asuka might like some and well, I won't have to worry about accounting for meat…"

"That's a fantastic idea," Kaworu's eyes shone, for perhaps the first time since before Bardiel.

Asuka knew exactly what the thing he extracted from the lower cabinets was for and, in what was possibly a first, muscled her way into the kitchen to help. Shinji made the basic batter and Asuka took it upon herself to further split it up, adding chocolate chips to one, strawberries to another, cinnamon to a third and leaving the last plain.

She had further opinions on how they should be served, screwing her nose up at Shinji's offering of maple syrup, bought specifically for the occasion. "That's an American thing," she commented.

"Aren't you part American?" Shinji commented as he dug into the fridge for a suitable substitute.

"Not by choice."

"Isn't that how it works?" Kaworu called from the dining table with a wide grin and she snapped, "Shut up, know-it-all!"

Shinji found her an acceptable substitute in the form of a container of whipped cream, bought on impulse by Misato for ice cream when the kids, her strongest source of impulse control, were still in the hospital.

Together, they doled out heaping stacks of waffles to Kaworu and Rei before joining them with their own. Rei, who had been quietly watching them, perked up significantly by the delivery of a warm, homemade breakfast. The other three tried to not openly gawk when she tore into them with the gusto of a starved man.

Asuka found herself studying Rei for completely other reasons. She looked exactly the same as she had, for good reason if she was a clone, but the idea that this was a completely different body from the one she had known? It unsettled her.

It made sense she seemed perfectly fine when she ought to have not; because the no doubt mangled body had been discarded somewhere! Asuka tried really hard not to think about that but her mind supplied the image anyway; a tank of LCL where a broken and dead Rei with wide, dead-fish eyes grinned widely at her.

"You're staring at Rei pretty hard," Kaworu teased, thankfully dispelling the horrific image from her mind.

She scowled, puffing herself up like an angry cat, "What of it?"

A thought occurred to her of something from before everything became terrible. She added, "Did we ever get a resolution to the love letter plot?"

Kaworu frowned deeply and, as she suspected, Shinji went bright red. Even Rei paused in her eating to curiously listen in. Asuka grinned fiercely. With what she knew now—and what they both knew she knew, it would impossible to deny it. And very cleanly sweep under the rug any teasing about her and Rei.

She owed Rei as much.

Kaworu stumbled over his words, "Well, you see, between how hectic everything got...and the fact we just never went to school for the longest time..."

Shinji bowed his head and squeaked, "That was me."

After a small pause, Kaworu chuckled lightly, "Y'know...I kind of suspected."

"I guess you would."

He reached out to take his hand, "If you would like to make things official, I think I'd like that."

Shinji squeezed the offered hand, "I think I'd like that too…"

Asuka immediately ruined the moment by jumping up and crowing, "Kaworu and Shinji kissing in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Across from the blushing and protesting boys, she caught Rei watching, a bizarre expression of guilt plain on her face. She had to force herself not to frown and ruin the happy moment. If she couldn't get what she wanted, she'd have to settle for Kaworu and Shinji getting what they wanted.

---

Misato regretted getting as little sleep as she did when her phone went off, rousing her. She rolled over, blinking blearily, and answered, "What's up?"

Hyuga answered, "You're being called to base. Our satellites are picking anomalous readings from the atmosphere."

"Great…," she groaned, "Be there in half an hour."

As she got dressed, she pondered what she had learned that previous night. The data Kaji had left her was vast and complex, which meant she ultimately had only put a dent in it. But what she did learn was the origins of Eva. Most of their Evas had been grown from Adam, that thing from the Antarctic. That is, with the exception of Unit 01, who was conspicuously missing from the listing. Kaji's own notes couldn't tell her the significance of this but he did believe there was some.

It also alluded to something called the "Eva series" but there wasn't too much information on that. It seemed to be a relatively new development, spurred by the Americans shunting the S2 Engine project onto someone else.

She had a feeling that was going to be a trend; Kaji would have had most of the pieces but would be missing one crucial one that would finish the puzzle. So she would have to do her own digging.

As she promised, she was on base within the hour. As she stepped onto the command deck, she called out, "Alright, what do we have?"

Hyuga swiveled to face her, "It's as I said; just a couple hours ago, our satellites detected some anomalous readings in the atmosphere. We're about to get visual, now that their orbit is approaching the object."

"We have visual," Aoba reported and, with a few taps of his keyboard, an image appeared on the main monitor.

Whatever it was (though Misato had her suspicions) was massive, though not quite the size of Sahaquiel. It appeared made of light but she could make out that it was made up of a small and crystalline body with many jagged wings. Said body clutched its core in its talons. Aoba continued, "It destroys any satellite that comes too close but it hasn't moved since. But our scans confirm without a doubt, its an Angel."

"As if we suspected any different," Misato grumbled, "Call the kids in."

"We might have a small problem," Ritsuko walked over to her, "We're down an Eva."

Misato raised an eyebrow, "And you waited until now to inform me of this because?"

"We had hoped we wouldn't have to formally decommission it but Zero will no longer synchronize with Rei. Zero's core was cracked during the fight with Zeruel so my working theory is that is preventing the connection."

Misato chewed on her lip. There would be many tests that would have to be done to come to this conclusion and all were done behind her—and everyone else's—back. She wanted desperately to demand an explanation for the secrecy but decided now was not the time. "Fine," she sighed, "We still have three working Evangelions."

---

The mounting dread that had haunted Asuka the last few days considerably ratcheted up when her and the other three got the call to come to NERV, dispelling the good mood she had started the day with. An Angel had appeared.

Or rather, Arael had appeared.

They couldn't head out from the school immediately because the second the name was uttered to her from Misato, she had excused herself to throw up. She staggered out of the bathroom, dazed as the world refused to stop spinning. A blue and white figure appeared in her vision and, as it approached, she found it was Rei.

She tried to take a step forward but nearly fell. She would have if Rei didn't catch her, shouldering her without a word. But the slight pursing of her lips told Asuka she was concerned. She murmured, "'M fine, 'm fine. Let's go get to base."

"You're not fine."

"What other choice do I have?"

Rei frowned now, her eyes half-hooded because she couldn't argue. She murmured, "I won't be able to protect you."

"Eh?"

"Unit Zero will no longer synchronize with me. She's empty now."

All the implications crashed into Asuka, way too many for her to sort through right away. So she just had to compartmentalize them, shoving them into the back of her mind. But one terrible fact stood out: last time the only reason she was saved was because of Rei.

Desperately swallowing that fact, she straightened and asked, "If something happens, will you be here for me?"

"Yes."

"Well then," with a sigh of defeat and a rolling of her shoulders, she said, "That'll just have to be enough."

She swallowed the dread like she always did and they headed out.

In the NERV headquarters, they made their way to the locker rooms. Even without a chariot, the rider was called; or Rei got suited up along with Asuka. This wasn't in itself unusual; considering Kaworu was in a similar situation for months before he got 04. But what was unusual was how she stood at the entrance, staring into space.

Asuka stopped by her, "Hey, Rei...c'mon, it's going to be alright. It's...it's gotta be."

"You're afraid...so am I," Rei murmured, "This isn't my purpose anymore. Why do they still call me?"

Asuka approached her, putting a hand on her shoulder, "Rei, don't talk like that. It's like before Kaworu got his Eva; it's just in case."

Rei turned to her, her eyes wide and wild, "I don't want there to be a 'just in case'!"

She stiffened at the extremely out of character cry. Awkwardly, she patted her shoulder, "We're gonna have to do our best then," she encouraged, though the words tasted like ash in her mouth.

Rei pressed, "Your behavior. You know something bad is going to happen."

Asuka shuffled anxiously and only somewhat told the truth, "It's just the last two were so bad, it's kind of hard to not expect this one to be bad too."

When Rei stared, looking unconvinced, she added, "No one can tell the future," and tried to tell herself the half-lie was necessary.

She gave her shoulder another awkward pat and rushed past her, to Unit 02's holding cage. The seconds ticked by in horrific slowness for Asuka as she was loaded into her entry plug. She was dreading it, those words…

"We're sending in Unit 04 first," Misato's voice came over the comms.

"Huh?" Asuka said, without even meaning to.

"Unit Zero won't activate and you're still on low priority, Asuka. So it's between Kaworu and Shinji and my notes say to put Kaworu on higher priority. Commander's orders."

In her panic, Asuka had forgotten the Commander was gunning for Kaworu. Once was nothing to worry about, twice was coincidental and thrice was...on purpose.

But yet, a very small and selfish part of her whispered in her ear at least it isn't you.

Before she could say anything, whether in protest or acceptance, Kaworu said, "It's gonna be alright. I don't mind being sent in first."

Did he have some sort of plan to get out of the beam attack? His tone of voice was perfectly serene but the problem was that was how it always sounded! What was he actually feeling, being sent in against this monster? Asuka could hear Misato in the background explaining the plan to him; that they planned to use a smaller version of the Positron rifle to snipe the Angel. And then before she knew it, Kaworu was being launched.

She remembered Shinji's comment from back in the hospital:

"He really took a beating out there. I'm starting to worry he's got a death wish or something."

What reason would Kaworu have to want to die? Did Kensuke's death rattle him that badly? He had promised to stay with her...as long as it took. He might not be trying to actively die but if he just happened to be put into harm's way…

She pressed the button to radio him, "Good luck, Kaworu. Don't die on us!"

"That's not in the cards today," he replied, a faux cheeriness in his tone.

Shinji listened in, a grim expression on his face. He hadn't ever encountered this one personally but according to Kaworu, it had broken Asuka back in her world. Sure, he was the one who had the best shot against it but what if he didn't? What if the Angel got into his head? What terrible things would it dredge up? It had no shortage of material…

Once his Evangelion emerged into the rainy city, Kaworu let out a long exhale into the LCL. Arael, the Angel of birds. All she wanted was to understand. He was certain he could weather her attack; after all, what could she pull up that he hadn't already experienced time and time again? It was just one shot, he thought as he shouldered the positron rifle. He just had to weather her psychic attack and get the one shot off.

And with any luck, it wouldn't just bounce off her AT Field. And if it did, the Lance was still in play.

The buzzing that had been in his ears this entire time began to rise in volume and pitch.

BROTHER TABRIS.

I SEE YOU ARE WELL.

LIVING WITH THE LILIN AS ONE OF THEM.

The clouds began to part slightly, a tiny band of prismatic light peeking through, shining onto his Eva. Kaworu could feel something prodding at the edges of his AT Field. He folded it tighter around his soul. As long as he kept it wrapped close to himself, she wouldn't be able to breach it.

WE MISS YOU. NONE OF US UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ABANDONED US.

He ignored her quiet pleas, looking down the scope of his rifle as it continued to hone in on her. Just a little longer. Maybe he could take advantage of her hesitation and strike before she had a chance to know what even happened.

BARDIEL. ZERUEL. THEY WERE BOTH RATHER ANGRY WITH YOU. BUT I AM NOT.

I WANT TO UNDERSTAND.

She wanted to...understand?

BROTHER TABRIS, IF I MAY. WOULD YOU LET ME TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU LOVE THE LILIN?

His eyes widened. None of his siblings had ever even entertained the idea that he might have a point.

With a choral cacophony, the sky became awash with prismatic light. The prodding at his AT Field became a wave of sensation, crashing against his Field and—thanks to his hesitation, shattering it.

Kaworu howled as Arael's invasion tore into his mind. He swung wildly, hand reflectively pressing the rifle's trigger. It shot wild, tearing through the clouds and missing his target by miles. He dropped it in favor of clutching his head. While his Angelic AT Field might have been able to hold back the attack, he would have to unfold it to get the best effect—and be found out in the process. Now his Lilin body was paying the price as pain lanced through his head.

"Kaworu no!" Asuka and Shinji chorused.

Shinji immediately went into action, remembering how both Asuka and Rei had launched themselves against the previous Angel. He reached down to yank the red lever...to find it was locked into place. "What?!" he cried, trying again.

No use! After the battle with Zeruel, someone must have grown wise as to their trick.

Up on the command desk, Kaworu's sudden screams bounced off the walls, "Stop it, I didn't let you in! Stop it! STOP! IT HURTS! YOU'RE HURTING ME!"

Misato rushed to connect to his comms, "Kaworu! Fall back! Get out of there!"

The only response she got was his continued shrieks. They sent shudders down her spine. Hearing sweet, polite and kind Kaworu shriek like he was in genuine pain was harrowing. She whipped around to face Ritsuko, "We have to get him out!"

"We're trying!" she cried back, "The Angel's attack is interfering with our signals so we can't eject his Entry Plug!"

"We've got to do something before it kills him!"

The look Ritsuko gave her was harrowing in its own right as she shook her head, "I don't believe it's trying to hurt him physically...it's broken into his mental wavelength. Any damage is going to be mental."

Kaworu was being yanked into his own mind as his sister indiscriminately rifled through his memories. He could feel as if he was falling, down, down, down—

Landing into a pool of warm water. Shinji stood across from him, his voice indistinct but his body language expressing confusion. He could feel his mouth moving, even though he didn't try to speak:

"I mean to say. I love you."

He was sitting on the bench of a piano, holding his hand out to Shinji, whose whole body was pressed into itself, as if he was too scared to approach.

"C'mon, I'll teach you."

He was leaning half over Shinji while they both lay in bed, Shinji coiled as if to run away.

"If I came to love you...how would that feel?"

And then, Shinji was leaning over his cello, arm relaxed with his bow barely touching the floor. He was smiling slightly, even though he wouldn't look him in the eye.

"Really? Because you know...I feel I was fated to meet you."

This is the Lilim you love?

Kaworu found himself on the beach at the end of the world and when he turned, he found a young boy standing behind him, wearing a white-and-blue sailor suit. It was his younger self, or rather Arael co-opting that form to speak to him. He nodded slowly at her.

Shinji Ikari. But yet...you hurt him so.

He was whooshed away to somewhere cold and dark. An all-encompassing pressure was all around him. He knew what he would see when he looked up...but he did anyway. Looking down at him was the horned, demonic visage of Unit 01, its eyes alight with restrained violence.

All went dark.

He was diving, careening towards Lilith, her beckoning song being all he could hear. He could feel movement behind him, a sudden pressure and then—

All went dark.

He was looking over at Shinji from within his side of the entry plug. A series of crystalline structures were revolving slowly around his neck, speeding up and then—

All went dark.

You would die for him...but could you live for him?

"Stop it," he gasped as he fell to his knees, "You're hurting me. It hurts, Arael."

The younger him tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. The action send another pulse of pain through his skull.

You didn't answer my question.

"Life, death," he shook his head, "It's of no difference to me. This is the fate I've been dictated and all I may do is love him in the time I have."

Time comes for us all...as does fate.

He saw Arael, then Armisael then himself, looking over his shoulder at himself with an expression of guilt.

What point is there of living if it is no difference from death?

He was helping Shinji bring the bowls of ramen out for Misato and his' shared party. He was perched on the angel statue at the lake. He was playing the piano, becoming lost in the melody. He was showing off his new record player to his friends.

He was speaking to the SEELE monoliths. He was drifting in a tube of LCL with dozens of other hims. He was leading Unit 02 into Terminal Dogma. He was waking up on the Moon...once again.

The overstimulation was becoming too much. It felt as if there was claws all in his body, keeping him in place as the light bled through his eyes, into his mind then his very soul. He wanted to scream and lash out but he couldn't speak. He tasted blood. He was drowning, slipping under the red sea.

"Please Arael," he weakly pleaded, "It hurts. I didn't want you to do this."

Then why, brother Tabris, did you let me in?

---

"LET ME GO, LET ME SAVE HIM!" Shinji was screeching, pumping his control yokes. Under his will, Evangelion Unit 01 twitched but wouldn't move enough to rip herself from her constraints. For some reason, he couldn't make her move. If he wasn't seeing red, he might have thought that out of place.

The techs were saying a lot of scary things, things like mental contamination and negative sync ratios. He didn't care about any of that. He had to save Kaworu!

With a click, his comms went silent, leaving him only with the sound of his labored breathing. Of course, they probably got sick of his meltdown and cut him off completely. If he could just make Unit 01 listen to him, he could do this all on his own!

With a crackle, a new line was opened to him. And from it came a deep baritone, "Shinji."

"...Father," he breathed.

"Listen to me very carefully. You are not to ask any questions and you will not repeat anything I've told you to anyone else."

"Father, what do you mean?"

"You want to save the Fourth Child, pilot Nagisa, correct?"

Shinji swallowed thickly, "That's correct."

"Then you will follow my instructions to the letter, ask no questions and not repeat anything I tell you."

"...I understand."

A map popped up on his screen and, mystified, Shinji realized this was showing him the way to Terminal Dogma. To Lilith. And to the Lance of Longinus.

Of course. Without his beloved daughter, the task of retrieving it fell to the second-rate son.

His father began speaking again, "Follow these directions to the primary shaft. There will be a harness there to lower you to the final level. When you come into the LCL Production plant, you will see a red spear. Take it and return here. Disregard anything else you may see and most importantly, do not ask any questions…"

"...or repeat anything you've told me," Shinji finished.

"Good. If you did, I may not be able to protect you or any of your friends."

Shinji swallowed the spike of fury he felt at the thinly veiled threat. Once the restraints came off, he began to hurry to Terminal Dogma.

---

Kaworu was laying on the white beach of the red sea under the black sky. He stared up at the stars and the orbiting streak of Lilith's blood. Beside him, Arael as his younger self sat. She looked at him with a deep, confused frown.

If the death is always the ending, what point is there to living?

"I have to make him happy. I have to try."

Are you really trying if you're already resigned to death?

"What point is there to having hope if it's been dashed so many times before?"

With an uncomfortable ache, he could feel her rifling through his memories again, once again bringing up an array of memories.

Him and Shinji playing the piano. Them eating a meal Shinji prepared. Them swimming in the NERV pool. Them having a snowball fight. Them walking along the white beach except the water was sparkling blue. Them making a toast to the new year.

"None of that is real," he murmured.

Those are your dreams from some time ago. Don't you want to see them again?

"It's no point."

Isn't he the whole point?

---

Shinji emerged into Terminal Dogma, Unit 01 crashing through the water towards Heaven's Door. As he approached, the doors yawned open and he could see beyond. The crimson cross, the Lance of Longinus and...Lilith. He strode towards the Lance and wrapped his Eva's hands around it. It felt smooth with no imperfections, only the twisted grooves of the handle. He looked to what it was stabbed into—the Second Angel, Lilith.

It would be so easy. He could pull it out and use it to kill her. Then no one could start the Third Impact. He would be free.

As if he could hear his mutinous thoughts, his father droned, "Do you hesitate because you want Nagisa to suffer?"

The temptation was great, so great...but not great enough. "No, Father," he scowled, pulling the Lance free.

Lilith's severed bottom half bubbled and formed into a proper pair of legs. But Shinji had already turned away to march back upwards to the surface, to Kaworu.

Kaworu and Arael sat at the edge of Lake Ashinoko, the sunset dying the world LCL orange. Arael's head was tipped forward in thought.

I don't understand. You wish to live for him but wish to die. You go on living but cannot bear it.

Being Lilin makes you feel this way so why love what harms you?

"You really don't understand, Arael," Kaworu smiled weakly, "None of you could. The pain of living is great but to give up is a more terrible fate. I must find ways to make living bearable."

His stereo playing Handel's Messiah. A stack of homemade waffles. His friends, Toji, Kensuke, Rei. Asuka, her face pulled into an expression of determination. And then Shinji, smiling warmly at him and holding his hand.

Unit 01 emerged onto the surface. Inside the cockpit, the targeting system was beeping steadily as it honed in onto the Angel. Shinji glowered at its far-off light. Some distance away, Unit 04 was crumpled onto the ground, twitching every so often under the prismatic attack. He gave it a quick glance then looked back to his reticule. He murmured, "Just a little longer...hold on just a little longer…"

Arael frowned deeply.

How does one find ways to make living bearable?

"Connections. Us Angels...we're islands in a vast sea. But the Lilin, even though it hurts, form connections to each other. It's what, in the end...saves their lives."

BEEP!

Locked on, Unit 01 reared its arm back, the Lance gleaming dangerously.

OH.

I THINK I UNDERSTAND NOW.

With a primal howl, Shinji shot Unit 01 forward back onto its foot, launching the Lance of Longinus like a javelin. It escaped his hand with a whistle, shooting through the sky and punching through the storm clouds, which dissipated in its wake.

It escaped the atmosphere with a sonic boom, homing onto the Angel as if locked on. Arael gave a choral shriek as the Lance punched through it, disintegrating it entirely.

No longer being assaulted, Unit 04 went limp. Shinji moved to go and do...something, what he wasn't sure. But his comms crackled back to life as his line to Misato was restored. She cried, "Shinji no! Come back! He's got to go into quarantine!"

He lingered, Unit 01 hovering over the prone form of the other Eva. He slumped and obeyed.

---

The only reason it was Asuka that got to Kaworu first is because Misato had only thought to stop Shinji. Before anyone knew it, the girl was racing through the base then out and up into the city.

Though the Lance had banished most of the clouds, there was still a steady light drizzle. The extraction crews had taken him out of his plug and left him a few dozen feet away from his fallen Eva. They had stretched caution tape around him but that was the only thing between her and him. He had his knees pulled to his chest and his head tucked between them, most certainly to block out the world around him. He was trembling and quiet.

Asuka paused long enough to make sure no one was around before she hopped the tape, rushed over to him and threw her arms around him in an embrace. She murmured, "Kaworu...I'm so sorry…"

Kaworu tensed. Had she ever hugged him, much less touched him? Had she ever hugged anyone like this or was he the first to receive such an honor? He slowly looked at where she had buried her head into his shoulder and murmured, "Asuka…"

She pulled back, her eyes red with unshed tears. Stubborn as always, she refused to let them fall. She sniffled, "You should have never gone through that. I'm...maybe it should have been me. I would have been prepared."

A shudder ran through him and he shook his head aggressively. If this was the price he had to pay to not allow a repeat of last time...so be it.

He looked away, staring at the concrete ground. Finally, he spoke, his voice but a whisper, "You don't understand. I think...I think she might have understood."

"Kaworu," Asuka murmured, "I really don't know what you mean."

But he didn't respond again. He only trembled.